Thoughts.......

I have been the one to sabatoge my own progress in the past. A moment happened when I was younger that made a switch flip. Maybe it was myself trying to protect me. Thoughts that being fat is undesirable and therfore it became a defensive tactic.

 I lose some but then I start to be noticed, approached I gain it back. I start to realize food is not the problem for me. For me its a emotional issue. Its a way of comforting, a form of solace, a way for me to avoid real situations. Instead of dealing with what's really going on, I instead  can just eat those feelings away and don't have to deal with the real issues. Being fat has been a good way of protecting myself from being hurt and avoiding whats really going on.

When I finally started to get healthy a bf at the time accused me of doing it so I could leave him for someone younger and better. At the time I didnt realize the impact those words had on me until I found myself a year later back where I was. I had taken those words and ate them. When I finally woke up I realized wow I let someone elses own insecurities effect me enough to disrupt my own happiness and progress. I believe at that moment I realized I am not my true self. I am who others need me to be, I am in disguise hidden under this person I created to protect the real me and avoid "scary" things.

I can avoid new things by telling myself well when I lose weight I'll try that....When I lose weight I'll be able to make new friends.... When I lose weight I will try crossfit. I am so thankful to whoever brought those CFS gift certficates to the silent auction at my sons school! I never would of tried crossfit if I hadn't won them.

 I almost did that whole well I'll do that when I lose weight to tge upcoming crossfit games. The thing is if I did wait then I would not be living for now and one thing you can't get back is time. This is my time to transform not only my body but my mind. To deal with my feelings and when I feel like I cant deal to pick up that dumbell instead of the cake. To just challenge myself even if every workout I do is scaled! To push myself and to really allow me to be exactly who I am.

Im doing things I didnt think I could do. Then I do them and Im like whoa! I just did that, I wonder what else I can do...

Lights, Camera, Dating

Been going on dates still nothing real no love lol. Well if I wanted to randomly hookup thats been the option but No thanks to that. To my friends who are dating...  If your in the dating scene and you don't want a relationship then you should actually say, I don't want a relationship with whoever your going out with because that's the truth. Its pretty sucky to invest time into someone only to find out they don't want the same things as you.

For me "Actions speak louder than words" So if someone you started talking to is constantly sending you sexual texts and not actually trying to have a real conversation... Dudes just trying to hookup with you.

I have been finding my voice lately which is very liberating. I have had a very hard time speaking up for what I want. In the past that has seriously got me into some crappy situations or in other cases missed opportunities.

Half the battle is actually saying what you want! I was thinking do we even allow ourselves to know what we want? Whos gone out with friends, family or even on a date say to dinner... Where do you want to go? And the reply is I don't know wherever..... Well okay how about alto or xoxo taco? Oh no I dont feel like tacos.... Okay how about Dinosaur? Oh Im not in the mood for BBQ..... Oh okay lets get Sushi then .... Oh thats not enough food....OKAY So where do you want to go then? The reply oh Dosent matter wherever you want!!! Are you kidding me😪.

             Balance....Balance.....Balance

As my 33rd birthday approaches I have been truly organizing my life. In work staying on top of things. Trying to stay as organized as possible with some mishaps of lost items in my bag which are now safely enclosed in Ziploc bags😀. With my home life keeping Matteo on a schedule with homework and limiting screen time... Also have you seen kids YouTube? Really adults playing with toys and kids watching other kids play instead of playing themselves. It is the weirdest thing, look it up!

So just trying to keep a level of balance internally as well. I kind of took a little break during summer from the gym but thinking after this initial month of being back to work, no actually tonight after work I'm absolutely going to the gym. Big realizations my anxiety has been terrible since I stopped and its time to get it back under control. Exercise just makes me feel good, strong, and brings balance in my mind😆.

Setting goals to create a better future for Matteo and I.

Realizations of a Single Lady!

Realizations from my dating experiences. Yes I love Netflix. Yes I love to chill...First of all if all they want to do is netflix and chill they are absolutely not trying to get to know me. This is NOT a date!

A nice guy who actually wants to date me isn't going to text me at 10pm and ask me to "watch netflix". A nice guy is going to actually call and ask me out on a proper date. The guy asking me to chill isn't looking for a girlfriend.

Okay okay we live in a society where traditional dates are of the past. This does not mean 10 minutes after meeting some dude hes going to get laid. 😪 offering up Netflix and Chill He might as well scream, I have no RESPECT for you!

Friends with benefits has got to be the worst idea! Firstly there are no boundaries. Whos really benefiting from that kind of relationship I assure you one party is getting the short end of the stick in that deal.

I read and agreed with this: "friends with benefits relationship destroys our ability to experience true intimacy within the context of a friendship and robs us of the joy of engaging in a healthy romantic relationship." I say, "NO THANK YOU"!

If after the initial meet of getting a drink or coffee if they dont ask you on a proper date. They are not serious about wanting to get to know you or date you for that matter.  The worst by far is thinking you were actually asked on a date only to find out your just actually hanging out I guess as a friend😂. Silly me.

In conclusion I am simply done trying to date. I guess I am just going to wait for that guy to appear. 😌 I am not looking for casual "hangouts". I dont feel the need to have sex with random guys in their apartments they couldn't even bother to clean. The guy who does not call or message back accept for when it suits himself or its convient for him.  That is a guy who does not care about me, who does not respect me. 

Dont need none of that I know my worth if they dont want to take the time to put some effort in getting to know me, into planning a real date to bad this girl loves herself to much to accept that foolishness. 

Life

Love.... sometimes I wonder if I have ever felt true love for the opposite sex or was it just an idea of what I thought love was... I feel like I was not given honest true love. I was not treated in the same manner I treated my partners. I gave my all emotionally, financially and in return was left with resentment and guilt for allowing myself to fall into a hole of unrealistic beliefs. Thinking someone will change the bad habits they have had for over a decade is unrealistic, the thought that they will change for me idiotic. Nobody changes unless they truly want to. Nobody makes their personal world better unless they put actions to their words! Its the same with losing weight many of us talk about it but don't actually change the bad eating habits that make us fat. Im on that journey determined. You want to stuff your face with poison that's your choice but don't try and make me wavier from my goals to live a heathier life. I don't care if you think its unfair to Matteo he will not eat what I don't eat! Im not gonna say hmm well I'm not going to eat that artificial chemical filled pastry but let me give it to my kid...

I know some people think I'm being extreme but for once in my life I don't care. I don't care if you think I'm being extreme, I don't care if you think I will fail by the way Im already down 18 pounds and that's just changing the foods I eat in less than a month! I haven't even started a exercise routine yet. If you try to bring me down your not my friend I will cut you out of my life. I have no room for toxic people.

Learning to love others means seeing that we are not better than anyone else. I Don't think I am better than anyone else because I don't agree with the way they are living their lives. It is their life to live like I have my life to live. We are only in charge of our own life and what we do with ourselves. We can not change others, or mold them into who we think they should be that's not our job. Can you encourage someone to make better choices?Absolutely. Ultimately it is their choice on how they will live, who they will be, where they will go, what they say, who they will be with, and who they end up becoming. Eleanor Roosevelt said, "In the long run, we shape our lives, and we shape ourselves. The process never ends until we die. And the choices we make are ultimately our responsibility". 

Where is the Real Connection?

   First its been a super long time since I have blogged anything. I was thinking about friendships, past relationships, relationships with other human beings.. 

    When it comes to connections, love, dating, friendships really any Relationships with others everyone is different. I can be weird and people don't "get me" I am who I am. I wear funky clothes mixmatch patterns and really love Ms. Frizzle(If you dont know who that is google it 😅) ❤. 

          One thing I am working on is trying to be more present and now. Working on having real face to face conversations with people. I have gotten so accustomed to talking over technology I realize I sometimes struggle to communicate well without it. I really really have a hard time with conflict and even more so I tend to worry more about others than my own happiness. 

On the topic of Relationships with others.... How hard is it to make new friends!? I had a conversation the other day with someone I consider to be a really good friend on this subject. Its not so easy I know people will say you just go up to people. No it dosent work like that when I was in Europe I went out on my own one day I was so excited and then the dread came over me I really dont like hanging out by myself in public. There are those people who go out and just start talking to people and find thier little temp group of friends nope not this girl. Straight up fear. But if there was an app find me a friend which im sure there is. Just plug it in Im here I need someone to hang out with you chat for a sec bam instant friend to hang out with...  

         I do have my rare moments of bravery where I have actually talked to someone in person who I didnt know. Sometimes you meet those people who just give off a vibe.  There these people who cross into our paths that you just connect with. It's like you've know each other forever and it just feels right. I like those kind of connections. I feel comfortable when those relationships come about to be myself to not feel as I have to impress this potential new friend. 

          Lot of rambling going on in this post but hey oh well getting out some thoughts. So besides my fitness goals which I am rocking also still need a black pass buddy to take me to the gym with them! ! Two other goals of mine are to #1. Start hanging out by myself in public more and #2. Start making real friendships getting deep and trusting some people. 
Hey fb might say I have a lot of friends but in reality I have about 4 who I talk to on a regular basis and who I actually get together with each one I trust with diffefent things. Ladies who actually know who I am and still love me lol. 

I love

I Love 

Listen to the small voice.

As I sit here in recess at a Charlie Sam table I am reminded of a warm summer day  when I first ventured into recess. I think about where I was at that time in my life and where I am today. How much time has gone by some of it wasted time on reckless endeavors. Wasted time on people... How much time do we waste on unnecessary things, people, worries, bad thoughts. Time wasted that we can never get back. Gone forever. I sit here and I think of all the darkness that has been engulfing my thoughts lately. Thoughts that I have allowed to fester in my mind. Negativity instead of light and positive thinking. There though is that small voice that says you can overcome, you are somebody, you are worth more, you are loved. That small whisper that if you just listen to it, it will bring you peace in your mind and soul. Snap out of it! You are better than this. How many times do we push that voice away and stay in our misery?

Toxic Selfish People

   What is a selfish person the dictionary would define selfish as, (of a person, action, or 

motive) lacking consideration for others; concerned chiefly with one's own personal profit or

 pleasure. The hard thing is I never realize that I allow these people into my life until they 

have already affected me in a negative way. Selfish people are the true wolves in lambs

 clothing. They are nice, they are extremely sweet, they are likable, and they will suck the 

happiness out of you. Selfish people only care about their own pleasures and have no 

consideration for others even if they are causing that person pain. The kicker is most selfish

people don't actually know they are selfish and they end up carelessly walking all over the 

hearts of people who care for them. So I'm not saying I can't be selfish at times but honestly 

most of the time I put others needs before my own. It is a good and bad thing because

I usually end up paying for it emotionally. I need to establish boundaries with people. I am 

not going to be there for people only when they benefit and need me. While when I need them 

there nowhere to be found. I have constantly been the one to ask how your day is otherwise 

nothing. Makes  you wonder if a person even cares about you at all. Who needs a one sided 

relationship of any kind... Not me. Time who has time to waste... not me not on someone

who does not value that time given to them. Why put up with it? I can't. I need to realize these 

relationships are toxic to my soul, to my wellbeing, to my heart! I am a lover. I love people, I 

see the good in people, and I forget that some people are not like me. They are takers, they 

don't know how or are not willing to give of themselves. They make excuses for their

questionable behavior.  I won't be someone’s door mat.  I am moving forward no more repeats  of past mistakes. I WILL NOT let someone try and make me feel bad for what I feel! I am who I am. 

Tomorrow is another day.

Tomorrow is another day.  I let go of all grudges, hurts, and disappointments. The past is the past. I must remember not to sweat the small stuff, and that its all small stuff. I am loved, loyal, beautiful person inside and out, and a GREAT mother! Good will come to me if I am open to it. Love will come when I'm ready for it. Peace in my soul, silence the bad in my mind. Today I'm looking up, today I'm moving forward, today I will not be 2nd, 3rd or last. I will be on top of things, keep myself in check, stop thinking about other people all the time and putting their needs first before my own. I will be honest with what I want and speak it instead of always holding things in. I will live and love with all my heart. I will be free of the chains I've held myself back with. I deserve the best because I give my best. One giant leap in the right direction. Now it's on! I been weak for too long it's time to be Strong both physically and mentally! Bring it on!! 

Reopening Wounds.

So much for this not being an emotional blog anymore. Ha! Who was I kidding. I keep allowing people into my life that hurt me. They may think its not a big deal to do certain things, or Not do certain things but to me it is. I think I tried to reason with myself why I was being ridiculous or over the top but no this is who I am. It bothers me and sometimes I hate that I am so sensitive but it's also why I am so sweet as people say I am. Why I want to help others who have been wronged. Why I'm a human service major but on the other hand it makes me question if I am even cut out for the field.  I'm a libra I look at what's fair and balanced and when I feel like I'm dishing out everything and getting nothing back in return and I'm not talking in materialistic things it hurts. I see this pattern of people I get attached to many of them are similar in certain ways. Today old feelings brewed up and I had a mini melt down because as much as I'm not living in the past I can't forget. I don't want to be made to cry I'm sick of shedding tears for people who don't treat me like I should be treated. I'm not going to go through emotional trauma over anyone not this time. Things shouldn't be so complicated you treat people the way you want to be treated. I am so much stronger than I was 2 years ago. When I came home from NC that time of my life was DARK! I did a lot of sketch things almost lost a friendship, was partying excessively, I was getting involved in things and taking serious risks with my life. I never want to be back in that place ever. I used to bottle everything up not stick up for myself, not confront the issues it's still hard for me to do face to face. A lot easier to blog it but I am working on and getting better at speaking up for myself in person. The problem is I'm too nice have a hard time setting boundaries but they go need to be set and I do need to be stronger. Things are broken that haven't quite mended fully I realized that tonight. I'm not healed and that trigger just deepened my wound.

At some point you will realize that you have done too much for someone, that the only next possible step to do is to stop. Leave them alone. Walk away. It’s not like you’re giving up, and it’s not like you shouldn’t try. It’s just that you have to draw the line of determination from desperation. What is truly yours will eventually be yours, and what is not, no matter how hard you try, will never be. -unknown

Loving Life.

Loving Life: Things are going well I am a mother of a beautiful little man! I am chasing him all around all the time. I am sure soon he will be running maybe doing a 5k with his mama! I am living, and I am happy. WHAT WHAT! I am being bold and coming out of my shell more and more its amazing. Another year older and wiser. I came across a bunch of poems from my teenage years talk about depressed! I posted them to my blog. This one poem below is also from my early 20's but I feel like it is more relevant now and so shared it here. I am going to make it.

 

Traveling

By Grace Rebecca Perry

traveling on into the storm
on crashing waves of life.
Unraveling mysteries of ones self
but there's always still a bit of strife
Never understanding the things that
are to come
Only ever knowing someday you'll find the one.

Traveling

By Grace Rebecca Perry
traveling on into the storm
on crashing waves of life.
Unraveling mysteries of ones self
but there's always strife
Never understanding the things that
are to come
Only ever knowing someday you'll find the one.

Old Poems Found Man was I going through some stuff!

Pretty sure all of these were written between 8th-9th grade.

 

Lost

By Grace Rebecca Perry
I can not see you anymore
your words are distant
I can not listen to the
Beat of your heart breaking me
into pieces of shattered tragedy
\Blinded by the darkness life can
bring in a instant of insanity
My life is shot, is buried in the
soil of forever
\Frozen in time and in your heart
time has stopped and you already know
how this will end Love is lost
in chains of sorrow and pain
never to regain new hope...

Never knowing

By Grace Rebecca Perry
The pain inside so hurtful and tearing going
\back to the same old things that make you
\feel so useless and dead with no knowledge
\of living.
\Never knowing where I'm going, never knowing
\never knowing.
\I'm so tired so very tired of all this life
\has to offer, there has to be more to life
\than this more to our way of existence.
\Never knowing where I'm going, never knowing
\never knowing.
\Lost in a world of misery lost in a world of
\crying so deep inside that its like burning
\alive. eye ablaze fire strong never known
\to anyone eye ablaze fire strong how long
\how long until I'm gone?

They Hate Me

By Grace Rebecca Perry
Caught up in a world of misery
never knowing what is real to me
everyone telling me what to believe
I'm just so tired of all their lies
Why does everyone have to judge me
if they don't like it they cut me
they throw me in the ground and drown me
they hate me they hate me

Unknown to Herself

By Grace Rebecca Perry
Sometimes she dreams
Those things are not real
And sometimes she wishes
That she could feel
She does not understand
The person that's inside
She does not even think she knows her
But if only she could accept peoples love
She then could possibly fall in love
Or have a dream a vision a future
That involves people truly knowing her
She's tired of lies and betrayal
Can't handle another hurt
She's trapped.

Mixed Emotions

By Grace Rebecca Perry
I live a lie
I want to Die
I want to live
I want to hide
I want to run
as far as I can
I want to be free
I want to make a stand
But I'm trapped
in the chains
I'm strapped to the grave
I cant tell what's living
or what's dead
I see myself dying
I no longer be lying
I have no more fear
I cant take it anymore
I better find my self soon
Or I'm Doomed!

Me

By Grace Rebecca Perry
Time flies by I want to die
I want to run but everything is kept inside
I hurt everyday I cry
but nothing changes.
I cant breathe sleep or eat
I cant live I'm in to deep
I try to change to be someone different
I try to hard I stress to much
I just don't want to live and never be touched.
People try to get inside but I cant let them in
they cant see my dirt, or feel my pain
or even begin to know me who I really am
But I guess I really don't know myself
otherwise I would not have any doubt
about who I am but I guess....
I just don't know where to begin

A Place

By Grace Rebecca Perry
I want to run away to a place
\where there's no hurt no pain
\no feelings like these.
\No misery but hope, love and joy.
\A place to be free and happy.
\To feel alive like there's something that's at
\least worth the pain and suffering.
\A place to be free and happy.
\To feel alive like there's something worth
\the pain and suffering.
\where there's no hurt no pain no feelings
\like these.
\I want to run away to a place...
\but I cant find it.

 

Nothing Really

Look here I am! I am me, and you are you. I can't be you, and you can't be me. We are one of a kind. Life is going school is going. Matteo is growing, and going walking, walking, running!

Breakthrough

So many changes so many steps forward. I feel a light inside its been a long time. Excitement, new old friends closer friends then before. Healthy desires allowed. Old flames cut the cord. Oh to be moving on! To open up to wonders and thoughts. To let go of the chains that have had you bound and realize you always had the strength to break free and finally you have. Oh to feel to WANT to want and to receive. To live, to LIVE, oh this is living, this is feeling, belonging, loving and dreaming. To FEEL desired to be FREE.

Settling in

Ah life is good. I am a very happy mama. I am finally getting into a routine. I have some amazingly great friends, and family. I have the most amazing little guy in my life. He is so mellow and such a peaceful baby I really am blessed. Went out for the first time last night to see Joey D. Such a great time but now I am exhausted! Waiting for Matteo to fall asleep so I can as well. Also so happy to have Nikki Lou back from the UK. This year has been full of surprises and there's still more in store for us all! Such a fun time at Missy Z tonight yummy food and always a good time.

Photo Card

Tempo Dots Chocolate Baby Announcements

Shutterfly cards for Valentine's Day, Easter & Father's Day.

View the entire collection of cards.

Baby Love

It is now getting close to my due date! Currently it is 5am and I had to just eat a banana and a handful of almonds because it felt as if I had not eaten in days! lol Now I am wide awake and 5am just happens to be the worst time to wake up. Its that time that is just a bit to early to actually get up and start my day unless I want to be asleep again by 9am. So I will write my little tidbit and then at least try to go back to sleep for a few hours.

Now that my due date is only a week and a half away, I am filled with excitement and can't help but wonder when my little guy is going to make his grand appearance! I can't even imagine what he looks like with us mixed kids their are so many possibilities! I just know how much I love him and he is not even here yet!! Now that I'm thinking about Teo I'm never going to get back to sleep!

I absolutely love Dr. Seuss and the book "Oh Baby The Places You'll Go" ( to be read in Utero) has to be one of my all time favorites!

Favorite part of the book is the end:

"So now, as my voice
burble-urps in your ear - with a bump-thumpy sound
that is not very clear -
the words I am saying
you hear in your heart,
and know that I wish you the very best start.

It's a scrumptulous world
and it's ready to greet you.
And as for myself...

well...
I can't wait to meet you!"

Seeds

Imagination... A seed planted that is conception... Life grows imagine that.
All the things that have gotten out of hand don't seem to matter with this new life. He is everything good and beautiful in the world and he is not even here yet.

I can honestly say that this past fall was one of the darkest times in my life. Full of self hate and sabatoge of ones self. False thoughts of being free to justify bad decsions.

Through the darkness a little light was planted. A saving light. A wake up call. A blessing. A miracle. Whatever you want to call it. I am alive and here and had that little light not had been I don't think I would be here. Old life... every mistake, every hurt I've caused, every hurt I have endured I've let go. New beginings, new love, new hope.

This is our year Nikki! We said it right? Without even knowing at the time what it meant for us. Discovery, Adventure, Purpose.