Thoughts.......

I have been the one to sabatoge my own progress in the past. A moment happened when I was younger that made a switch flip. Maybe it was myself trying to protect me. Thoughts that being fat is undesirable and therfore it became a defensive tactic.

 I lose some but then I start to be noticed, approached I gain it back. I start to realize food is not the problem for me. For me its a emotional issue. Its a way of comforting, a form of solace, a way for me to avoid real situations. Instead of dealing with what's really going on, I instead  can just eat those feelings away and don't have to deal with the real issues. Being fat has been a good way of protecting myself from being hurt and avoiding whats really going on.

When I finally started to get healthy a bf at the time accused me of doing it so I could leave him for someone younger and better. At the time I didnt realize the impact those words had on me until I found myself a year later back where I was. I had taken those words and ate them. When I finally woke up I realized wow I let someone elses own insecurities effect me enough to disrupt my own happiness and progress. I believe at that moment I realized I am not my true self. I am who others need me to be, I am in disguise hidden under this person I created to protect the real me and avoid "scary" things.

I can avoid new things by telling myself well when I lose weight I'll try that....When I lose weight I'll be able to make new friends.... When I lose weight I will try crossfit. I am so thankful to whoever brought those CFS gift certficates to the silent auction at my sons school! I never would of tried crossfit if I hadn't won them.

 I almost did that whole well I'll do that when I lose weight to tge upcoming crossfit games. The thing is if I did wait then I would not be living for now and one thing you can't get back is time. This is my time to transform not only my body but my mind. To deal with my feelings and when I feel like I cant deal to pick up that dumbell instead of the cake. To just challenge myself even if every workout I do is scaled! To push myself and to really allow me to be exactly who I am.

Im doing things I didnt think I could do. Then I do them and Im like whoa! I just did that, I wonder what else I can do...

Lights, Camera, Dating

Been going on dates still nothing real no love lol. Well if I wanted to randomly hookup thats been the option but No thanks to that. To my friends who are dating...  If your in the dating scene and you don't want a relationship then you should actually say, I don't want a relationship with whoever your going out with because that's the truth. Its pretty sucky to invest time into someone only to find out they don't want the same things as you.

For me "Actions speak louder than words" So if someone you started talking to is constantly sending you sexual texts and not actually trying to have a real conversation... Dudes just trying to hookup with you.

I have been finding my voice lately which is very liberating. I have had a very hard time speaking up for what I want. In the past that has seriously got me into some crappy situations or in other cases missed opportunities.

Half the battle is actually saying what you want! I was thinking do we even allow ourselves to know what we want? Whos gone out with friends, family or even on a date say to dinner... Where do you want to go? And the reply is I don't know wherever..... Well okay how about alto or xoxo taco? Oh no I dont feel like tacos.... Okay how about Dinosaur? Oh Im not in the mood for BBQ..... Oh okay lets get Sushi then .... Oh thats not enough food....OKAY So where do you want to go then? The reply oh Dosent matter wherever you want!!! Are you kidding me😪.

             Balance....Balance.....Balance

As my 33rd birthday approaches I have been truly organizing my life. In work staying on top of things. Trying to stay as organized as possible with some mishaps of lost items in my bag which are now safely enclosed in Ziploc bags😀. With my home life keeping Matteo on a schedule with homework and limiting screen time... Also have you seen kids YouTube? Really adults playing with toys and kids watching other kids play instead of playing themselves. It is the weirdest thing, look it up!

So just trying to keep a level of balance internally as well. I kind of took a little break during summer from the gym but thinking after this initial month of being back to work, no actually tonight after work I'm absolutely going to the gym. Big realizations my anxiety has been terrible since I stopped and its time to get it back under control. Exercise just makes me feel good, strong, and brings balance in my mind😆.

Setting goals to create a better future for Matteo and I.

Realizations of a Single Lady!

Realizations from my dating experiences. Yes I love Netflix. Yes I love to chill...First of all if all they want to do is netflix and chill they are absolutely not trying to get to know me. This is NOT a date!

A nice guy who actually wants to date me isn't going to text me at 10pm and ask me to "watch netflix". A nice guy is going to actually call and ask me out on a proper date. The guy asking me to chill isn't looking for a girlfriend.

Okay okay we live in a society where traditional dates are of the past. This does not mean 10 minutes after meeting some dude hes going to get laid. 😪 offering up Netflix and Chill He might as well scream, I have no RESPECT for you!

Friends with benefits has got to be the worst idea! Firstly there are no boundaries. Whos really benefiting from that kind of relationship I assure you one party is getting the short end of the stick in that deal.

I read and agreed with this: "friends with benefits relationship destroys our ability to experience true intimacy within the context of a friendship and robs us of the joy of engaging in a healthy romantic relationship." I say, "NO THANK YOU"!

If after the initial meet of getting a drink or coffee if they dont ask you on a proper date. They are not serious about wanting to get to know you or date you for that matter.  The worst by far is thinking you were actually asked on a date only to find out your just actually hanging out I guess as a friend😂. Silly me.

In conclusion I am simply done trying to date. I guess I am just going to wait for that guy to appear. 😌 I am not looking for casual "hangouts". I dont feel the need to have sex with random guys in their apartments they couldn't even bother to clean. The guy who does not call or message back accept for when it suits himself or its convient for him.  That is a guy who does not care about me, who does not respect me. 

Dont need none of that I know my worth if they dont want to take the time to put some effort in getting to know me, into planning a real date to bad this girl loves herself to much to accept that foolishness. 

Life

Love.... sometimes I wonder if I have ever felt true love for the opposite sex or was it just an idea of what I thought love was... I feel like I was not given honest true love. I was not treated in the same manner I treated my partners. I gave my all emotionally, financially and in return was left with resentment and guilt for allowing myself to fall into a hole of unrealistic beliefs. Thinking someone will change the bad habits they have had for over a decade is unrealistic, the thought that they will change for me idiotic. Nobody changes unless they truly want to. Nobody makes their personal world better unless they put actions to their words! Its the same with losing weight many of us talk about it but don't actually change the bad eating habits that make us fat. Im on that journey determined. You want to stuff your face with poison that's your choice but don't try and make me wavier from my goals to live a heathier life. I don't care if you think its unfair to Matteo he will not eat what I don't eat! Im not gonna say hmm well I'm not going to eat that artificial chemical filled pastry but let me give it to my kid...

I know some people think I'm being extreme but for once in my life I don't care. I don't care if you think I'm being extreme, I don't care if you think I will fail by the way Im already down 18 pounds and that's just changing the foods I eat in less than a month! I haven't even started a exercise routine yet. If you try to bring me down your not my friend I will cut you out of my life. I have no room for toxic people.

Learning to love others means seeing that we are not better than anyone else. I Don't think I am better than anyone else because I don't agree with the way they are living their lives. It is their life to live like I have my life to live. We are only in charge of our own life and what we do with ourselves. We can not change others, or mold them into who we think they should be that's not our job. Can you encourage someone to make better choices?Absolutely. Ultimately it is their choice on how they will live, who they will be, where they will go, what they say, who they will be with, and who they end up becoming. Eleanor Roosevelt said, "In the long run, we shape our lives, and we shape ourselves. The process never ends until we die. And the choices we make are ultimately our responsibility". 

Where is the Real Connection?

   First its been a super long time since I have blogged anything. I was thinking about friendships, past relationships, relationships with other human beings.. 

    When it comes to connections, love, dating, friendships really any Relationships with others everyone is different. I can be weird and people don't "get me" I am who I am. I wear funky clothes mixmatch patterns and really love Ms. Frizzle(If you dont know who that is google it 😅) ❤. 

          One thing I am working on is trying to be more present and now. Working on having real face to face conversations with people. I have gotten so accustomed to talking over technology I realize I sometimes struggle to communicate well without it. I really really have a hard time with conflict and even more so I tend to worry more about others than my own happiness. 

On the topic of Relationships with others.... How hard is it to make new friends!? I had a conversation the other day with someone I consider to be a really good friend on this subject. Its not so easy I know people will say you just go up to people. No it dosent work like that when I was in Europe I went out on my own one day I was so excited and then the dread came over me I really dont like hanging out by myself in public. There are those people who go out and just start talking to people and find thier little temp group of friends nope not this girl. Straight up fear. But if there was an app find me a friend which im sure there is. Just plug it in Im here I need someone to hang out with you chat for a sec bam instant friend to hang out with...  

         I do have my rare moments of bravery where I have actually talked to someone in person who I didnt know. Sometimes you meet those people who just give off a vibe.  There these people who cross into our paths that you just connect with. It's like you've know each other forever and it just feels right. I like those kind of connections. I feel comfortable when those relationships come about to be myself to not feel as I have to impress this potential new friend. 

          Lot of rambling going on in this post but hey oh well getting out some thoughts. So besides my fitness goals which I am rocking also still need a black pass buddy to take me to the gym with them! ! Two other goals of mine are to #1. Start hanging out by myself in public more and #2. Start making real friendships getting deep and trusting some people. 
Hey fb might say I have a lot of friends but in reality I have about 4 who I talk to on a regular basis and who I actually get together with each one I trust with diffefent things. Ladies who actually know who I am and still love me lol. 

I love

I Love