Lights, Camera, Dating

Been going on dates still nothing real no love lol. Well if I wanted to randomly hookup thats been the option but No thanks to that. To my friends who are dating...  If your in the dating scene and you don't want a relationship then you should actually say, I don't want a relationship with whoever your going out with because that's the truth. Its pretty sucky to invest time into someone only to find out they don't want the same things as you.

For me "Actions speak louder than words" So if someone you started talking to is constantly sending you sexual texts and not actually trying to have a real conversation... Dudes just trying to hookup with you.

I have been finding my voice lately which is very liberating. I have had a very hard time speaking up for what I want. In the past that has seriously got me into some crappy situations or in other cases missed opportunities.

Half the battle is actually saying what you want! I was thinking do we even allow ourselves to know what we want? Whos gone out with friends, family or even on a date say to dinner... Where do you want to go? And the reply is I don't know wherever..... Well okay how about alto or xoxo taco? Oh no I dont feel like tacos.... Okay how about Dinosaur? Oh Im not in the mood for BBQ..... Oh okay lets get Sushi then .... Oh thats not enough food....OKAY So where do you want to go then? The reply oh Dosent matter wherever you want!!! Are you kidding me😪.

             Balance....Balance.....Balance

As my 33rd birthday approaches I have been truly organizing my life. In work staying on top of things. Trying to stay as organized as possible with some mishaps of lost items in my bag which are now safely enclosed in Ziploc bags😀. With my home life keeping Matteo on a schedule with homework and limiting screen time... Also have you seen kids YouTube? Really adults playing with toys and kids watching other kids play instead of playing themselves. It is the weirdest thing, look it up!

So just trying to keep a level of balance internally as well. I kind of took a little break during summer from the gym but thinking after this initial month of being back to work, no actually tonight after work I'm absolutely going to the gym. Big realizations my anxiety has been terrible since I stopped and its time to get it back under control. Exercise just makes me feel good, strong, and brings balance in my mind😆.

Setting goals to create a better future for Matteo and I.

Realizations of a Single Lady!

Realizations from my dating experiences. Yes I love Netflix. Yes I love to chill...First of all if all they want to do is netflix and chill they are absolutely not trying to get to know me. This is NOT a date!

A nice guy who actually wants to date me isn't going to text me at 10pm and ask me to "watch netflix". A nice guy is going to actually call and ask me out on a proper date. The guy asking me to chill isn't looking for a girlfriend.

Okay okay we live in a society where traditional dates are of the past. This does not mean 10 minutes after meeting some dude hes going to get laid. 😪 offering up Netflix and Chill He might as well scream, I have no RESPECT for you!

Friends with benefits has got to be the worst idea! Firstly there are no boundaries. Whos really benefiting from that kind of relationship I assure you one party is getting the short end of the stick in that deal.

I read and agreed with this: "friends with benefits relationship destroys our ability to experience true intimacy within the context of a friendship and robs us of the joy of engaging in a healthy romantic relationship." I say, "NO THANK YOU"!

If after the initial meet of getting a drink or coffee if they dont ask you on a proper date. They are not serious about wanting to get to know you or date you for that matter.  The worst by far is thinking you were actually asked on a date only to find out your just actually hanging out I guess as a friend😂. Silly me.

In conclusion I am simply done trying to date. I guess I am just going to wait for that guy to appear. 😌 I am not looking for casual "hangouts". I dont feel the need to have sex with random guys in their apartments they couldn't even bother to clean. The guy who does not call or message back accept for when it suits himself or its convient for him.  That is a guy who does not care about me, who does not respect me. 

Dont need none of that I know my worth if they dont want to take the time to put some effort in getting to know me, into planning a real date to bad this girl loves herself to much to accept that foolishness. 

Life

Love.... sometimes I wonder if I have ever felt true love for the opposite sex or was it just an idea of what I thought love was... I feel like I was not given honest true love. I was not treated in the same manner I treated my partners. I gave my all emotionally, financially and in return was left with resentment and guilt for allowing myself to fall into a hole of unrealistic beliefs. Thinking someone will change the bad habits they have had for over a decade is unrealistic, the thought that they will change for me idiotic. Nobody changes unless they truly want to. Nobody makes their personal world better unless they put actions to their words! Its the same with losing weight many of us talk about it but don't actually change the bad eating habits that make us fat. Im on that journey determined. You want to stuff your face with poison that's your choice but don't try and make me wavier from my goals to live a heathier life. I don't care if you think its unfair to Matteo he will not eat what I don't eat! Im not gonna say hmm well I'm not going to eat that artificial chemical filled pastry but let me give it to my kid...

I know some people think I'm being extreme but for once in my life I don't care. I don't care if you think I'm being extreme, I don't care if you think I will fail by the way Im already down 18 pounds and that's just changing the foods I eat in less than a month! I haven't even started a exercise routine yet. If you try to bring me down your not my friend I will cut you out of my life. I have no room for toxic people.

Learning to love others means seeing that we are not better than anyone else. I Don't think I am better than anyone else because I don't agree with the way they are living their lives. It is their life to live like I have my life to live. We are only in charge of our own life and what we do with ourselves. We can not change others, or mold them into who we think they should be that's not our job. Can you encourage someone to make better choices?Absolutely. Ultimately it is their choice on how they will live, who they will be, where they will go, what they say, who they will be with, and who they end up becoming. Eleanor Roosevelt said, "In the long run, we shape our lives, and we shape ourselves. The process never ends until we die. And the choices we make are ultimately our responsibility".