Thoughts.......

I have been the one to sabatoge my own progress in the past. A moment happened when I was younger that made a switch flip. Maybe it was myself trying to protect me. Thoughts that being fat is undesirable and therfore it became a defensive tactic.

 I lose some but then I start to be noticed, approached I gain it back. I start to realize food is not the problem for me. For me its a emotional issue. Its a way of comforting, a form of solace, a way for me to avoid real situations. Instead of dealing with what's really going on, I instead  can just eat those feelings away and don't have to deal with the real issues. Being fat has been a good way of protecting myself from being hurt and avoiding whats really going on.

When I finally started to get healthy a bf at the time accused me of doing it so I could leave him for someone younger and better. At the time I didnt realize the impact those words had on me until I found myself a year later back where I was. I had taken those words and ate them. When I finally woke up I realized wow I let someone elses own insecurities effect me enough to disrupt my own happiness and progress. I believe at that moment I realized I am not my true self. I am who others need me to be, I am in disguise hidden under this person I created to protect the real me and avoid "scary" things.

I can avoid new things by telling myself well when I lose weight I'll try that....When I lose weight I'll be able to make new friends.... When I lose weight I will try crossfit. I am so thankful to whoever brought those CFS gift certficates to the silent auction at my sons school! I never would of tried crossfit if I hadn't won them.

 I almost did that whole well I'll do that when I lose weight to tge upcoming crossfit games. The thing is if I did wait then I would not be living for now and one thing you can't get back is time. This is my time to transform not only my body but my mind. To deal with my feelings and when I feel like I cant deal to pick up that dumbell instead of the cake. To just challenge myself even if every workout I do is scaled! To push myself and to really allow me to be exactly who I am.

Im doing things I didnt think I could do. Then I do them and Im like whoa! I just did that, I wonder what else I can do...