Quick to cast the first stone.

 I will never be so weak minded again. I will be more cautious of the company I keep. I will not rely on others to make me happy. I know I can do all things. I am strong not weak. I will rise above this obstacle like all others. I will not be held down by anyones negative mojo. With that its off my mind and finished and I will never talk about it again. That's a promise. I choose to live in the present not in the past.

Positive thinking does not always win...

       I know I am not alone. I feel it though. Loneliness engulfing my being. How did I mistake freedom for recklessness? You can't just do whatever you want. There are consequences for the choices you make, good and bad. I am terrified of what is to come. I am trying to stay positive. I have these days  where the dark thinking kicks the positive thinking into the dust. I came from a place of no baggage and in the last six months have loaded on more baggage than I feel I can bare. It's mine though its there, and its not going to just go away. As soon as I left Charlotte my  life started spinning out of control and down a path of destruction. I knew this months ago yet I kept drinking my problems away. Which in fact was just creating more and more problems instead of getting some type of counseling. Who needs counseling when you can get involved with people who don't care about you. How stupid for thinking they cared. Like the dumb girl in the movies... ugh disgusting. I need to be a better judge of character but how can you do that when your wasted all the time. Don't have to worry about that anymore.  I  am just disappointed in myself. I am a better person than I have been.

Shards of broken soul.

They say that everything happens for a reason. well I really hope that's true. That God only gives you what you can handle. I hope that is true as well. It's going to be a new year and a lot of changes in my life. My behavior everything. I can no longer live howhever I want. I need to have a plan a goal. Direction and a vision for my life.

Shards of broken soul pierce through my skin
what have you done with your precious life.
broken pieces of a girl once there lay shattered
at my feet. heartache creeps throughout my body
like blood through my veins. I am still alive. The pain
inside so hurtful and tearing. Going back to the same
old things that make me feel so empty inside. No more.
A new begining arises from the hell I have made myself.
I can survive it, I have to. The past will remain in the past.
It can not be altered and therfore I can not dwell upon it.
New life emerges from the darkness. ~grace~

On the Dark side of my mask.

Throughout the last few months since I moved back to Syracuse my life has unraveled. All my own doing.  Here I am thinking, I am being a free spirit, living life how I want, I have confidence and I am a good person with a lot to offer. Instead I am just naive chasing after shadows of things not really there. Delusions of the truth. Made up excuses in my mind to justify my behavior. I have to believe I am someone worth getting to know, that I am better than what I have subjected myself to lately . Now I am trying to figure out a way to clean up the mess I have made of my life. The decisions I have been making just hurt in the end. I feel ugly right now I am in a very dark place. I always pour my feelings inward bottle it up. No one can see me what I am going through. Who would want to see that, who would care. People act like they care but they don't really want to know what your going through. The truth they want to hear everything is great and good. Everything is fantastic life is good. My mask of happiness is crumbling and I just might break.  My bottle is overflowing.

Vibes....

Heart lines on my palm reveal my love for you is real.
Energy is who I am, vibrating through my veins.
Life is going to be better now that I know truth.
I will heal my broken heart. I will set myself free.
Ignorance will not be tolerated. I will un-program myself
from society's negativity. positive vibes I welcome freely into
my being. I will love the person I am. I will not live in the past.
The past is over and so, I shall wipe it from my mind.  Now is
what matters. The future is not yet here. The past can not be

changed. I will cast out fear.

χαρις

Life. A mixed tape of good and bad and everything in between. I am really not sure how I feel about anything right now. I was this little girl once who believed in fairy tales, and happy endings. Then life kicked me in the ass and told me to wake up. I am discovering new things all the time about myself and who I am. I was thinking today about people. People who I no longer have in my life some old best friends, a few crushes, and the guy who told me, I was his best friend. People who are now apart of my life. Life just moves by so quickly. I feel as if I am being left behind in the dust. I am not really sure where I am headed or in which direction I would like to go. I know that indecisiveness will destroy me. I have let things get pass me because I was not to sure if I was making a good decision. A lot of the times because of what others think is best for me. I have although realized that you really need to go with your own instinct your own heart otherwise you may be losing out on something great. I don't think things need to be perfect if they were there would be no mystery no magic no surprise. I love surprises. Things can't always be going good right? Balance. I am tired of people telling me I am pretty. I don't feel pretty. I feel like a monster lives inside me.

why so serious...

I hate conflict. People make things so difficult sometimes. Why? Just let things be. I am a mess inside lately. Im not sure whats up or down. Right or wrong. If its wrong in whose eyes.... peoples beliefs and morals are so different from each other. hypocritical really. It's okay for me but not for you.... Why make life difficult. Love everyone.  Do what makes you happy. If you don't like who you are, change. Don't put blame on other people when things don't work out. Live life.


I am a  halfway child of truth
my life is mine to live.