Settling in

Ah life is good. I am a very happy mama. I am finally getting into a routine. I have some amazingly great friends, and family. I have the most amazing little guy in my life. He is so mellow and such a peaceful baby I really am blessed. Went out for the first time last night to see Joey D. Such a great time but now I am exhausted! Waiting for Matteo to fall asleep so I can as well. Also so happy to have Nikki Lou back from the UK. This year has been full of surprises and there's still more in store for us all! Such a fun time at Missy Z tonight yummy food and always a good time.

Photo Card

Tempo Dots Chocolate Baby Announcements

Shutterfly cards for Valentine's Day, Easter & Father's Day.

View the entire collection of cards.

Baby Love

It is now getting close to my due date! Currently it is 5am and I had to just eat a banana and a handful of almonds because it felt as if I had not eaten in days! lol Now I am wide awake and 5am just happens to be the worst time to wake up. Its that time that is just a bit to early to actually get up and start my day unless I want to be asleep again by 9am. So I will write my little tidbit and then at least try to go back to sleep for a few hours.

Now that my due date is only a week and a half away, I am filled with excitement and can't help but wonder when my little guy is going to make his grand appearance! I can't even imagine what he looks like with us mixed kids their are so many possibilities! I just know how much I love him and he is not even here yet!! Now that I'm thinking about Teo I'm never going to get back to sleep!

I absolutely love Dr. Seuss and the book "Oh Baby The Places You'll Go" ( to be read in Utero) has to be one of my all time favorites!

Favorite part of the book is the end:

"So now, as my voice
burble-urps in your ear - with a bump-thumpy sound
that is not very clear -
the words I am saying
you hear in your heart,
and know that I wish you the very best start.

It's a scrumptulous world
and it's ready to greet you.
And as for myself...

well...
I can't wait to meet you!"

Seeds

Imagination... A seed planted that is conception... Life grows imagine that.
All the things that have gotten out of hand don't seem to matter with this new life. He is everything good and beautiful in the world and he is not even here yet.

I can honestly say that this past fall was one of the darkest times in my life. Full of self hate and sabatoge of ones self. False thoughts of being free to justify bad decsions.

Through the darkness a little light was planted. A saving light. A wake up call. A blessing. A miracle. Whatever you want to call it. I am alive and here and had that little light not had been I don't think I would be here. Old life... every mistake, every hurt I've caused, every hurt I have endured I've let go. New beginings, new love, new hope.

This is our year Nikki! We said it right? Without even knowing at the time what it meant for us. Discovery, Adventure, Purpose.

Quick to cast the first stone.

 I will never be so weak minded again. I will be more cautious of the company I keep. I will not rely on others to make me happy. I know I can do all things. I am strong not weak. I will rise above this obstacle like all others. I will not be held down by anyones negative mojo. With that its off my mind and finished and I will never talk about it again. That's a promise. I choose to live in the present not in the past.

Positive thinking does not always win...

       I know I am not alone. I feel it though. Loneliness engulfing my being. How did I mistake freedom for recklessness? You can't just do whatever you want. There are consequences for the choices you make, good and bad. I am terrified of what is to come. I am trying to stay positive. I have these days  where the dark thinking kicks the positive thinking into the dust. I came from a place of no baggage and in the last six months have loaded on more baggage than I feel I can bare. It's mine though its there, and its not going to just go away. As soon as I left Charlotte my  life started spinning out of control and down a path of destruction. I knew this months ago yet I kept drinking my problems away. Which in fact was just creating more and more problems instead of getting some type of counseling. Who needs counseling when you can get involved with people who don't care about you. How stupid for thinking they cared. Like the dumb girl in the movies... ugh disgusting. I need to be a better judge of character but how can you do that when your wasted all the time. Don't have to worry about that anymore.  I  am just disappointed in myself. I am a better person than I have been.