Reopening Wounds.

So much for this not being an emotional blog anymore. Ha! Who was I kidding. I keep allowing people into my life that hurt me. They may think its not a big deal to do certain things, or Not do certain things but to me it is. I think I tried to reason with myself why I was being ridiculous or over the top but no this is who I am. It bothers me and sometimes I hate that I am so sensitive but it's also why I am so sweet as people say I am. Why I want to help others who have been wronged. Why I'm a human service major but on the other hand it makes me question if I am even cut out for the field.  I'm a libra I look at what's fair and balanced and when I feel like I'm dishing out everything and getting nothing back in return and I'm not talking in materialistic things it hurts. I see this pattern of people I get attached to many of them are similar in certain ways. Today old feelings brewed up and I had a mini melt down because as much as I'm not living in the past I can't forget. I don't want to be made to cry I'm sick of shedding tears for people who don't treat me like I should be treated. I'm not going to go through emotional trauma over anyone not this time. Things shouldn't be so complicated you treat people the way you want to be treated. I am so much stronger than I was 2 years ago. When I came home from NC that time of my life was DARK! I did a lot of sketch things almost lost a friendship, was partying excessively, I was getting involved in things and taking serious risks with my life. I never want to be back in that place ever. I used to bottle everything up not stick up for myself, not confront the issues it's still hard for me to do face to face. A lot easier to blog it but I am working on and getting better at speaking up for myself in person. The problem is I'm too nice have a hard time setting boundaries but they go need to be set and I do need to be stronger. Things are broken that haven't quite mended fully I realized that tonight. I'm not healed and that trigger just deepened my wound.

At some point you will realize that you have done too much for someone, that the only next possible step to do is to stop. Leave them alone. Walk away. It’s not like you’re giving up, and it’s not like you shouldn’t try. It’s just that you have to draw the line of determination from desperation. What is truly yours will eventually be yours, and what is not, no matter how hard you try, will never be. -unknown

Loving Life.

Loving Life: Things are going well I am a mother of a beautiful little man! I am chasing him all around all the time. I am sure soon he will be running maybe doing a 5k with his mama! I am living, and I am happy. WHAT WHAT! I am being bold and coming out of my shell more and more its amazing. Another year older and wiser. I came across a bunch of poems from my teenage years talk about depressed! I posted them to my blog. This one poem below is also from my early 20's but I feel like it is more relevant now and so shared it here. I am going to make it.

 

Traveling

By Grace Rebecca Perry

traveling on into the storm
on crashing waves of life.
Unraveling mysteries of ones self
but there's always still a bit of strife
Never understanding the things that
are to come
Only ever knowing someday you'll find the one.

Traveling

By Grace Rebecca Perry
traveling on into the storm
on crashing waves of life.
Unraveling mysteries of ones self
but there's always strife
Never understanding the things that
are to come
Only ever knowing someday you'll find the one.

Old Poems Found Man was I going through some stuff!

Pretty sure all of these were written between 8th-9th grade.

 

Lost

By Grace Rebecca Perry
I can not see you anymore
your words are distant
I can not listen to the
Beat of your heart breaking me
into pieces of shattered tragedy
\Blinded by the darkness life can
bring in a instant of insanity
My life is shot, is buried in the
soil of forever
\Frozen in time and in your heart
time has stopped and you already know
how this will end Love is lost
in chains of sorrow and pain
never to regain new hope...

Never knowing

By Grace Rebecca Perry
The pain inside so hurtful and tearing going
\back to the same old things that make you
\feel so useless and dead with no knowledge
\of living.
\Never knowing where I'm going, never knowing
\never knowing.
\I'm so tired so very tired of all this life
\has to offer, there has to be more to life
\than this more to our way of existence.
\Never knowing where I'm going, never knowing
\never knowing.
\Lost in a world of misery lost in a world of
\crying so deep inside that its like burning
\alive. eye ablaze fire strong never known
\to anyone eye ablaze fire strong how long
\how long until I'm gone?

They Hate Me

By Grace Rebecca Perry
Caught up in a world of misery
never knowing what is real to me
everyone telling me what to believe
I'm just so tired of all their lies
Why does everyone have to judge me
if they don't like it they cut me
they throw me in the ground and drown me
they hate me they hate me

Unknown to Herself

By Grace Rebecca Perry
Sometimes she dreams
Those things are not real
And sometimes she wishes
That she could feel
She does not understand
The person that's inside
She does not even think she knows her
But if only she could accept peoples love
She then could possibly fall in love
Or have a dream a vision a future
That involves people truly knowing her
She's tired of lies and betrayal
Can't handle another hurt
She's trapped.

Mixed Emotions

By Grace Rebecca Perry
I live a lie
I want to Die
I want to live
I want to hide
I want to run
as far as I can
I want to be free
I want to make a stand
But I'm trapped
in the chains
I'm strapped to the grave
I cant tell what's living
or what's dead
I see myself dying
I no longer be lying
I have no more fear
I cant take it anymore
I better find my self soon
Or I'm Doomed!

Me

By Grace Rebecca Perry
Time flies by I want to die
I want to run but everything is kept inside
I hurt everyday I cry
but nothing changes.
I cant breathe sleep or eat
I cant live I'm in to deep
I try to change to be someone different
I try to hard I stress to much
I just don't want to live and never be touched.
People try to get inside but I cant let them in
they cant see my dirt, or feel my pain
or even begin to know me who I really am
But I guess I really don't know myself
otherwise I would not have any doubt
about who I am but I guess....
I just don't know where to begin

A Place

By Grace Rebecca Perry
I want to run away to a place
\where there's no hurt no pain
\no feelings like these.
\No misery but hope, love and joy.
\A place to be free and happy.
\To feel alive like there's something that's at
\least worth the pain and suffering.
\A place to be free and happy.
\To feel alive like there's something worth
\the pain and suffering.
\where there's no hurt no pain no feelings
\like these.
\I want to run away to a place...
\but I cant find it.

 

Nothing Really

Look here I am! I am me, and you are you. I can't be you, and you can't be me. We are one of a kind. Life is going school is going. Matteo is growing, and going walking, walking, running!

Breakthrough

So many changes so many steps forward. I feel a light inside its been a long time. Excitement, new old friends closer friends then before. Healthy desires allowed. Old flames cut the cord. Oh to be moving on! To open up to wonders and thoughts. To let go of the chains that have had you bound and realize you always had the strength to break free and finally you have. Oh to feel to WANT to want and to receive. To live, to LIVE, oh this is living, this is feeling, belonging, loving and dreaming. To FEEL desired to be FREE.